Craving Mastery

I remember very clearly the first time I realized that I responded to being Mastered, in my real life.

I was in my late teens and dating a much older man, who was also a large, strong and commanding person. I was very much in love with him but I was also a bit of a spoiled brat. One evening we were having an argument about the fact that he had invited people over when I wanted us to be alone. He was trying to get me to help with housework and dinner and I was sulking and then screaming at him.

At some point he shrugged and said something like, "I don't know what to do with you when you behave like a spoiled child." Then he pulled out a kitchen chair, grabbed me and turned me over his knee and spanked me hard and thoroughly. My emotions went from shock and rage, to shame and embarassment, to helplessness, and then suddenly I realized I was incredibly aroused and I started laughing and crying at the same time and saying, "okay, okay... you win... I'll be good."

He took my face in his hands and looked hard at me and said, "You sure you will behave yourself now?" And I felt all melty as I said, "Yes"..... He kissed me hard and pretty soon we were making love passionately, like I never had before.

I realized then that I had this sexual response to a man who would not take guff from me and would take control of situations.

To some extent I found this troubling and tried to deny my nature as I thought of myself as a modern, equal woman. I also found it troubling because I had experienced real abuse in my life and was worried that there was something wrong with me and that I would be drawn to truly abusive men.