Things I am working on--Jealousy

Time that I talked about some of the hard work and problems I have encountered as a kajira and the work in progress.

My Master sometimes tells me that I become a green-eyed monster. I have little experience of jealousy in my life and so I've had to think about this strange complex of emotions that I feel.

To me jealousy has always seemed to be about selfishness and I do not think of myself as a selfish person. I have lots of experience with being a loving, giving person to family, to organizations to causes.

When I look inside my heart and ask whether I want my Master to be deprived of happiness, to be limited in his friendships or loves, I don't find anywhere that feeling, so what sends me into a panic when another woman comes on the horizon?

Fear of loss. Fear of painful competition and complications. Fear of being found not as good as the other girl and the fear of the devastation to the ego and hurt to the heart of abandonment.

And here is where I get myself into a huge conundrum because I CAN see ways to reduce those fears. All of the ways that I reduce those fears involve retreating into myself, hardening myself to the Master. If I care less about whether he releases me or not, how can I open myself to his Mastery fully? If I "hedge my bets" by flirting with other Masters and assuring myself of an ego-sheltering place to "jump" if I am thrown aside then I am in danger of dishonouring my Master, causing disharmony with his brothers, and making a self-fulfilling prophesy as I divide my loyalties.... all of these strategies that earth women use when their heart is threatened with heartbreak have the side effect of undermining the intense and total ownership that I feel.

I don't have answers yet. I am resisting withdrawing, resisting any defensive strategies and keeping my heart, mind and legs open totally to my Masters will, whim, pleasure and my heart full of love for him.

Yet it is so often breaking when I have these fears. I don't know how other kajira manage it or whether they do? Is this an unobtainable goal, to be fully Mastered, deeply love the Master and yet not fear the loss of him?

The Jewel within the Slave

One of the most valuable lessons of slavery is learning that one's value is not dependent upon power.

In my real life I went through a period in which because I lost a particular job, I totally lost my sense of self-worth and identity for a time. I felt like a piece of discarded trash as my identity was so wrapped up in the status and power of a leadership role I had in my work.

But a slave has no power, no possessions, almost no ability to make decisions for herself. She is owned, her Master's property, to be used, sold, punished even killed as he wills it.

Yet her Master values her.

The danger in this is that the girl will become so dependent upon her Master's approval that she becomes a clingy bootwarmer. SL Gor seems full of whiney dependent slaves and that clingy dependence does not endear most girls to their Masters.

Most Masters want a bit of a challenge, a girl that they have to wrestle to her knees and who amuses them with displays of wit, intelligence and sauce.

Within each slave there is a beautiful female jewel that starts out dull and uncut. The Master will shape it to his pleasing but it is the girl who polishes and makes it shine for the Master's pleasure. As the girl sees this jewel take shape, her feminine beauty, grace, her ability to pleasure a Master, her unselfish female submission to the wishes of the male, the skills she develops to please her Master.... cooking and serving the food that pleases, keeping his home as he wills, crafting things that he desires her to make, dancing for him, singing or playing music for him.... whatever he bids her do... she knows deep in herself that she is a beautiful slave, she is a jewel beyond price. Her Master MAY value her.... or he may sell her.... or cast her aside. While she might miss him, it does nothing to her sense of her value. The jewel is still inside and she thanks her Master for cutting it in such a beautiful shape. She will treasure the slave jewel within and it will shine out of her eyes, captivating all men with the sexuality of the truly submissive female.

Rise and shine, slave

Maybe it is in part because I am a morning person but to me there is nothing sweeter than awaking in the furs after a night of well-pleasing my Master in every way he has desired.

The sun creeps in and I immediately am aware of the slack heavy weight of my Master's penis in its state of satisfied repose lying possessively over one of my thighs. I smile and nuzzle closer in to his comfortingly large muscled body and just feel his rod on me and feel very owned, very ruled by this male that has mastered this girl completely and daily schools me more in the ways that will please him.

My pussy is still damp from use and my female lips are reddened and still warmed, slightly stinging with the ferocity with which my Master took me in his need several times over the night. As I stretch myself I notice some delicious aches and pains from the night's exertions....my thighs have knots from straddling him and servicing him as bidden. Deep in my belly the hard apple of my womb has been bounced so thoroughly by his battering ram that the muscles of my tummy have been stretched in submission to his thorough rummaging in my inner chambers. My hands reach down and soothingly knead the soft mound of my belly and as I feel the tenderness there I moan with a mixture of discomfort and yearning to be filled like this again.

As I turn to begin to rise my heavy breasts are reminded of his firm large hands kneading my tits like dough to be shaped into loaves and schooling my moves to his measure with the pressure and guiding on this convenient handhold. The tips of my breasts lightly graze across the furs and with a start I am reminded of his rough calloused thumbs like sandpaper on my nipples. How helpless I am to resist him when he has a tight pincer grip on these two most sensitive buds of control. All day as my breasts bounce inside my camisk the nipples will be grazed and I will be reminded of his squeezes to my nipples and why they were squeezed... how he showed me what pleased him and what did not... how slow... how fast... when... I am learning to be his perfect slave and I will wear his lessons in my body to remember them better.

Rising to bathe and dress I inspect my body and note with a grin and a blush of pleasure and shame that I still wear the marks of a thrashing on my backside. I am ashamed that I did not please totally but I am proud of my Master's strong hand. His willingness to punish me shows his attention to his Mastery and his will that I never forget my place as his slave. He will not allow me to damage it, to ever really displease him. Hmmm.... I select a camisk deliberately that will show off his marks upon me. I will always proudly wear his lash marks as one who is owned totally and completely by a strong and uncompromising Master.

Washing myself, I take care to bind my hair in a tidy tail for the Master to grab as a handy leash. I make myself beautiful for him and hearing him begin to stir I run quickly back to his feet.

I bow in total obeisance beside his couch, totally Mastered, totally submissive, totally fulfilled in my femaleness. I am owned. I am his.

"Greetings, Master! May this one be allowed to serve the Master? How may I serve?'

Can a Master rape a slave?

My Master and I have spent some time talking and thinking about this issue because it is deeply offensive to him to think about forcing himself sexually on anyone.

BUT... and this is a huge BUT... the Master/slave relationship cannot entertain any of the "safe words" that are the hallmark of BDSM relationships. A slave needs to feel that her submission is complete. The slave cannot "top from the bottom" as happens in BDSM. Therefore I have told my Master that I submit myself totally to his pleasure, his use and his discipline and therefore nothing he does can be construed as rape in my thinking.

If at somepoint the person behind the character becomes consistently very unhappy within her collar, she can beg release and the Master is not one to enjoy an unhappy slave so I expect he would release me.

However while I wear his collar I cannot function as a slave and ever have any idea that I can say "no" to him about anything ever. There are some issues that are stretching my ability to submit and the Master is taking those items slowly as he doesn't want me to breakdown. I will write more about that in another post.

But one area that I am very confident about is that I do not want to ever be able to withold sex because I am angry or sad about something. I think that placing that restriction on Mastery, robs a Master of one of the most effective tools in his repertoire and really makes Mastery harsher. When a girl is being recalcitrant, disobedient or hysterical often times she really needs to be fucked to remind her that she is the Master's slave, she is female and she is owned. But while she is in a bad mood, she is unlikely to be simmering obediently and worshipfully before his cock. Instead she is standing with hands on hips with her proud little bottom waggiling enticingly but rebelliously as she attempts to make some point about what she wants or is angry about.

This is when a Master will admister a rapid head-clearing spanking and a therapeutic dose of his rod to beat down the doors that his girl is throwing up against his Mastery. It is amazing how difficult it is for a woman to stand on her "principles" or "stick to her guns"... when in fact her legs are apart and her Master is firmly enthroned in her pussy, rummaging her with delicious enjoyment.

There is nothing that makes me angrier than having my arguments responded to with my Master's cock up my business end. There is nothing that I can say back to that argument. And as I buck and twist away from him and he stays firmly in the saddle, it is infuriating to see how much he enjoys my little shows of protest, the fight I give him as he pulls me open to use me.

It is the job of a slave to be sexually used and therefore a kajira cannot elect to shirk her job. The reason that nether shielding is denied a slave is so that the Master's access is never impeded and the slave feels deeply in her womb that the Master's cock is king in this chamber.

The Master's calm and matter-of-fact claiming of what is his in these little spats of disobedience go a long way to teaching a girl her place and educating her to the new realities of her situation within the M/s relationship. Each thrust of the Master's cock is harder and harder for the girl to ignore, shut out of her mind. She can hate the feeling of him inside her for a little while, but sooner or later, her body betrays her. She is pinned under the strength and weight of her Master and he is dominating her in the way she has dreamed of being dominated. Her womb bobs up and down jumping within her belly on the end of his battering ram within her stronghold, beating down the doors of any resistence. She cannot deny for long how arousing it is that he does not need her permission to pound her and her enjoyment is entirely optional. She is welcome to be a participant and enjoy the ride if she wishes, or to stay furious if she chooses, but ridden she will be and she will feel the warm rush of his tide of pleasure within her whether she chooses to milk him with her joyous spasms or not.

A girl will often open more fully and submit more deeply after having been taken while she is angry and resistant. The fact that she is unable to resist the Master and has not herself engaged in any erotic imagination, can lead to surprising openness to the new experience and to her Master's stroke and images. Absolved of responsibility for instigation of the sex, she can discover a new level of abandonment to erotic pleasure. He will leave her flushed and speechless as her anger and outrage is turned to an orgasmic explosion as she realizes how fully the Master's cock dominates her femininity and how helpless she is to do anything other than receive the thorough screwing she is being given. Gasping she falls into his arms, legs trembling and all rebellious thoughts evaporated.

This totally happy outcome is quite common in the M/s dynamic... because she is his slave and has submitted. But in some cases, immediate resolution will not be achieved. The girl may go away angry after being used, but she has still been taught the lesson that she will be used how, when and it what way the Master chooses. It is not for her to choose. Given time, she will not try to withold sexual pleasure as a way to manipulate the Master. Instead she will use more honest communication, bringing her thoughts, fears, worries and laying them at her Master's feet openly and asking for his judgement.

In our relationship, we have not used any of the devices that are available in SL that restrain an avatar in a position to be sexually used but I can see why such a device would be effective. Probably just being put in such a device and contemplating the thought of being used while restrained would go a long way to making a girl understand how pointless acts of rebellion are when one is collared.

Sexual witholding is one of the most powerful (and hurtful) tools in the repertoire of earth women as they seek within the mixed up world of male/female relationships on earth to control men who should be their Masters. It must not be a tool that is allowed to a slave.

Training a girl to wait

My Master used a maddeningly effective training visualization exercise to train me to both stay sexually tuned but to wait on his command.

He brought me to a peak of arousal with his words and then he commanded me to open my legs for him. Parting my petals, he thrust what he described as a large but fragile glass dildo in my pussy. He then put my iron belt on to hold it in place.... and went off to do other stuff humming a little tune. I was to stay in place and describe the feelings, the contour of the dildo inside me. However I could not make the slightest contraction of my pussy or the glass could shatter inside me causing pain and damage.

I felt the smooth curved contour of my Master's toy holding me open, filling me, holding his place like a bookmark. The sensation of penetration made me want to contract desperately but I knew I could not. Over the time that I was left like this (30 to 60 minutes) I went from curiousity, to annoyance, to intense arrousal, and finally to that state of perfect submission and openess. I was open and ready for my Master, but I had learned obedience and control of my feminine muscles.

From that point on, he could ask me to halt and stay in the middle of his sexual use of me and I was able to obey and adopt the mental and sexual attitude of readiness and openess, awaiting his lead always.

Initially I didn't understand what the Master was trying to achieve with this training and maybe it was important that I figure it out by myself. But it certainly led me to a different attitude and dynamic within the cybersex. I had been very much feeling that I had to instigate, contribute all the time. This trained me to receptivity.

Mastering Yourself

It is often stated that before a Master can master anyone, he must first master himself. I find that most Masters have heard this and will nod their heads at the wisdom contained in that sentiment. However, I don't think all have actually understood why this is so and what it means in practice.

If you want to have a slave who will make you proud, please you and bring you quivering obedience, you indeed need to be Master of your own desires, fears and emotions.

You must be in control of your fears because if you often betray fear losing your slave, you cannot Master her.

You must be in control of your lust because she must be kept in heat and begging your cock in order for you to Master her, and through your masterful control during furring you must be able to--when YOU choose-- give her such prolonged and satisfying pleasure that she will know that she can never replace what you give her.

You must be in control of your heart because if your slave can control you with her tears and fears, you will cease to be the Master and she really will not thank you for that.

You must be in control of your anger because discipline of your slave must be methodical and fitting or you will risk breaking her or losing her.

You must have a plan of what you hope to achieve with your slave today, tomorrow, ultimately, and work to that plan incrementally and relentlessly. Your plan may change over time but it will be a conscious plan that you lay out and master.

And lastly you must be enough a Master of yourself to occasionally show your fears, your heart, your lust, your doubts, that she may know that they exist, and then show her that you are master of all of what you feel. No slave will give her soul and heart to a machine so she must know the man that you have Mastered.

And you thought it was all fun and furring!

Circle of Light, Circle of Iron

This was an attempt to write a kajira poem in strict Italian sonnet form. Thinks I am more a free verse person

Steps into a circle of bright-lit sand
A silver clad dancer with up- raised hands
Captured doves in cruel iron bands
Bright eyes flashing from her veil of lashes
Shackled foot tapping to cymbal clashes
Shyly she meets the eyes of her Master
He smiles, and her heart beats ever faster
She is the moon that he holds in his hand

Captured in orbit, her course is set
To ever circle his dark planet’s mass
Pulled by his tides and his passions met
She dances her worship at every pass
His brand on her body, her soul in his net
Secured by iron from thought of trespass