Time that I talked about some of the hard work and problems I have encountered as a kajira and the work in progress.
My Master sometimes tells me that I become a green-eyed monster. I have little experience of jealousy in my life and so I've had to think about this strange complex of emotions that I feel.
To me jealousy has always seemed to be about selfishness and I do not think of myself as a selfish person. I have lots of experience with being a loving, giving person to family, to organizations to causes.
When I look inside my heart and ask whether I want my Master to be deprived of happiness, to be limited in his friendships or loves, I don't find anywhere that feeling, so what sends me into a panic when another woman comes on the horizon?
Fear of loss. Fear of painful competition and complications. Fear of being found not as good as the other girl and the fear of the devastation to the ego and hurt to the heart of abandonment.
And here is where I get myself into a huge conundrum because I CAN see ways to reduce those fears. All of the ways that I reduce those fears involve retreating into myself, hardening myself to the Master. If I care less about whether he releases me or not, how can I open myself to his Mastery fully? If I "hedge my bets" by flirting with other Masters and assuring myself of an ego-sheltering place to "jump" if I am thrown aside then I am in danger of dishonouring my Master, causing disharmony with his brothers, and making a self-fulfilling prophesy as I divide my loyalties.... all of these strategies that earth women use when their heart is threatened with heartbreak have the side effect of undermining the intense and total ownership that I feel.
I don't have answers yet. I am resisting withdrawing, resisting any defensive strategies and keeping my heart, mind and legs open totally to my Masters will, whim, pleasure and my heart full of love for him.
Yet it is so often breaking when I have these fears. I don't know how other kajira manage it or whether they do? Is this an unobtainable goal, to be fully Mastered, deeply love the Master and yet not fear the loss of him?
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