Most of the time my Master and I enjoy a relationship that is harmonious and joyous. I worship him and desire his male dominance with simmering sexuality and loving tender respectful regard. He returns affection and a protective attitude.
One of the rocky bits we have navigated occurred when the Master asked me to voice an opinion on an important issue. He was considering taking another girl on his chain. I was not emotionally prepared for this challenge (and am not sure I ever will be) and my Master and I had different views of the girl in question. The story doesn't really matter here. It was a painful time.
I was torn. I did not want to share my Master with this girl. But... and this was a HUGE issue for me.... I did not want to top my Master from the bottom by influencing his decision.
He demanded to know my thoughts and feelings so I told him that I would be hurt and miserable and really didn't know if I'd be able to handle it. He then decided not to collar the girl. However things he said and his actions in continuing to interact with the girl OOC made me feel that he was making a decision influenced by me.
I was torn in two. Now I realize that it IS possible for the Master to make a difficult decision that he might not like, without that decision being manipulated by me. He had taken my thoughts into account and decided the time was not right in my training to throw this challenge at me. He could have done so but it would have either broken my spirit or lost him his slave. Another time, another slave, he might not have cared. But he made his choice. He was grumpy about it and he did not need my blathering on about it, yet blather I did.
As my unhappiness grew and really my distrust in his decision, I thought that I had the power to reverse his decision, and that this is what I should do either by stretching my thinking to "allow" him to collar the girl or by running away so he could collar the girl ... the fact that he was grumpy and still seeing the girl convinced me he wanted her a lot.
Looking back I can see how totally screwed up my thinking was on this. The Master had made a decision. If he changed his mind and decided to collar the girl at a later date... he didn't need my change of heart to "allow" him to do it. The fact that he was continuing to see the girl did not indicate he still wanted to collar her necessarily... again all this muddy thinking was predicated on my belief that I had the kind of female power associated with an equal relationship.
I had a decision from my Master.... yet I continued to live in a constant state of worry... would he change his mind tomorrow? Should I act in some way?
Finally a terrible moment came when I visited the new beautiful home that my Master had recently purchased and I found him together with the girl in the same place we had recently shared. I was devastated! I felt, "that's it, he wants her".... and I cut my collar and ran from him for the only time in our relationship.
We both had a full 24 hours of HELL before we could talk to each other about it.
Master was furious with me for not accepting that his decision was his own and trusting that if he was acting in some way that affected me that he'd tell me with honesty and directness as befits a Gorean man of honour.
For my part I had been confused and hurt and still ruled by insecurities and fears.... so I ran away.
When my Master came to understand my heart, he knew I needed to learn something but it wasn't something that he could teach me via simple punishment.
Instead he led me through a powerful roleplay.
Master: The girl knew she was.... Completely, totally and utterly mine.... frowns... and she ran from me
Girl: She was frightened
Master: The place to be when frightened is at his feet. In the circle of his sword
Girl: She is prepared to be punished... and it may be needed
Master: I have been giving thought to this as I was deeply displeased
Girl: Understands. ... and is ready
Master: Frowning deeply his face hardens...
Girl: Would rather bear 20 lashes than a moment of distance from her Master
Girl: yet her female parts contract as she senses that punishment will indeed be administered and it will not be easy or light. She is ready for whatever her Master thinks is necessary to restore balance. Indeed eager ... sort of
Master: Grabs the girl and pulls her up by the hair. "Follow me, girl".
Girl: yes Master
The Master runs quickly across the night landscape of their island home. The girl runs to follow.
Girl: She wonders what he is doing...
The Master stops suddenly by a post at the end of a wave lashed remote rocky point of the island.... grabs the girl's hands and ties her to the post. She cannot see him as he walks away.
Girl : I want you to truly punish me and I want to truly feel it. I need it and you need it
Time passes
Gile: She cries.. awaiting punishment and yet bereft of it... alone and isolated
Girl (OOC): hmmm... well ... interesting... I guess to me this puts me back where I was in the poofing and just writing off SL plan
Time passes... still no response
Girl (OOC): Am I missing something? Why should I not just poof.
Master (OOC) : You will not poof. You may go if Rl makes it so other wise, you will hang on that post until I take you down. If Rl pulls you away, you may go but when you come back, you will return to that post
Time passes.
Girl: I am reflecting and if I can find a wrongness in what I did it is in worrying that your own judgement might not be equal to discerning that (X girl) does not care for you, in fact finds you beneath her... and so she felt assured you would be honoured to take her on your chain... when she vyed for you publicly and was not successful, her anger grew and she was determined to have revenge by triumphing over me.
Girl: And so she threatened me and still pursued you and yet you saw her as friend and injured party
Master: She is not here now and it is my intent to keep it that way. It is far too disruptive having her around so it is my will that she not be. Had I not said so? Did you not heed me?
You are my slave, no one else
Girl: Yet I would you know that she was not worthy or loving of you
Master: I decide who is worthy. I judge. You are within the bubble of my claim, care and love. I will have it no other way
Girl: and it was my own love of you that I could not really tell you that
Master: We could have worked all this out the same day you ran
Master: It is my will that you run to me, not away from me.
Girl: gulps... yes Master... this one runs to hide in a cave and cry... such is her experience
Master: We will change that.. You are MIne now
Girl: Master, this one will willingly serve you and your friend X if such is your will. I trust your judgement.
Master: If you run from the circle of my sword, you hurt us both. I am not concerned with the girl X. This is about us.
Master: A tear runs down his cheek, as he works, he deeply misses his girl
Girl: I am concerned that I worried about the Master's judgement about one I saw as dangerous. She weeps on the post knowing that her only fear was that there was a woman that would use the Master for her own goals and then mock him.
Master: looks about..... there is only you and I here now. I want you in my arms, I want to hold you and stroke your hair, I want to feel your body on mine and I can have none of it
Master: more tears run down his face
Girl: The girl struggles on the post unable to bear the pain of hearing her Master cry. "Master, forgive me.. this girl regrets her transgression" She begs to be schooled by the Master. She is new to his desires and how to please him
Master : thinks she is learning an important lesson at this very moment
Girl: She is jealous and fearful at times. She is willing to be schooled by the Master in this way
Master: I give her no other choice
Girl: Indeed you could have fed me to the sleen
Master: I would have been deeply hurt by the loss
Master: If you did not have value to me, you would not wear my collar now
Girl: When I came into our bright dream and found my bitterest enemy here with you, It stabbed me through my heart
Master: You should have run to me. You are mine and I will do what I can for you. When you run, you leave us both helpless
Girl: I only want you to be well and happy and safe
Master: Through communication, we gain insight and can make changes with the understanding that comes from the knowing of the others mind
Girl:... but I will not relent from saying that girl does not love or like you... she is just trying to win some stupid contest. She threatens me to try to make me back off.
Master: She has lost and is not here... do you not see?
Girl: I never entered into a contest. It was all her imaging
Master: I closed the contest quite some time ago
Girl: Yet I worried for you and for us
Master: She has gained nothing buy what she has done
Girl : Because she saw you as a pawn for her manipulation, and I saw you as my King
Master: We on the other hand shall come out of this stronger, wiser and ever more dedicated to each other
Girl: She was contemptuous of my love for you in one moment, and vying for you in the next
How should I not be angry and upset with her for that?
Master: Who hangs on her Masters post this day? .... and who walks in places unknown?
Girl : Your home, your hand, your body, your will.... is sacred to me
Master: Who have I claimed as My own?
Girl: this girl
Master: Who lives within the circle of my sword?
Girl: this girl
Master: Who is my choosen girl?
Girl: this girl
Girl: Thank you, Master for your wisdom
Master: Come to me
He took me down from the post and into his arms.
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