Abandoned

Although my tears have been enough to fill a river, I can no longer sail away from the inevitable conclusion that I have been abandoned.

No formal word of release has been given and yet the reality is that there has not been enough contact or meaningful interaction over the past few months for me to sustain the pretence that I have a Master in SL any longer.

I don't understand the reasons and events leave me in a cruel limbo. Only once in the last month has he been in SL. He wiped away my tears and told me that although he had been "lost" and walking on paths far from me, he had missed me, was here now and all was well. Then he disappeared again without a word as two weeks passed, ignoring my missives, not responding to any IM or emails sent to any address.

Finally I had to make an OOC deadline for myself to give up.... take off my collar.... and be born anew as an abandoned one. In our old city, 14 days was the time for a girl to be declared as abandoned and I have been left without a word for more than 14 days on several occasions this year. I can't go on like this. It is wrecking the rest of my SL and RL too. As long as the collar was in place and he was aknowledged as Master in my profile, I looked for him every day. Each "ping" of an IM I hoped was him. Each glimpse of some new "online status" announcements I hoped to see the loved name. . . and each time I logged off without seeing him I crashed into depression and wondered, worried, wrote another note from love, sadness, anger, worry. No one can do that forever. It erodes sanity, productivity and self-respect.

Where to from here?

I have no idea. For now my goals are simply to get through each day without crying or doing anything desperate and nutty. Mostly I am succeeding. Doing anything productive.... now that's a struggle. Very simply, I am a basket case right now.

I don't know the future of this blog right now.

If there are posts you enjoy or would like to keep, please feel free to make copies for your own use. My plan is to delete the blog in its entirety when the time feels right. I will allow at least a week for people to come and copy any favorite post, no matter when the moment comes when I feel it is time for me to release these words from my heart and experience.

I will always love you Master and thank you for your time with me. I hope one day I will come to understand why your paths led you so far away from me in ways that lead to healing rather than blame or hurt.